What I believe as of today

I deconstructed from Christianity in my mid-30s. It took a long time to come to terms with that, and I’m still not always comfortable saying it. It’s not that I reject the core teachings of Jesus - many of them still resonate - but I struggle to believe in the supernatural.

Even as a teenager, I was troubled by the idea of an all-knowing, all-powerful God allowing unimaginable suffering. A God who could end evil, heal the sick, and banish pain - yet chooses not to. Children suffer from cancer, rape, starvation, beatings. How does a loving, omnipotent God permit that?

I also had a gay best friend. He was kind, devoted, and played piano every Sunday at our local church. He believed in God. And yet, the theology I grew up with condemned him for simply being himself. That never made sense to me. I tried for years to reconcile these contradictions, but I couldn’t.

When I finally let go of that belief system, I felt adrift. What do you call it when the foundation of your worldview is pulled out from under you and nothing replaces it? For a while, I wandered through that emptiness.

Oddly, I still sometimes feel like there’s a God watching me, punishing me for my shortcomings. But I’ve come to see that as an emotional echo - a leftover artifact from a belief instilled in childhood, before I was old enough to question.

Today, I find myself most aligned with Buddhism - not in a religious sense, but as a way of living. I’m drawn to it precisely because it doesn’t center on an all-powerful creator. For me, Buddhism is more philosophy than religion.

I don’t believe in rebirth in the literal sense. I see it as metaphor - a way of understanding how our energy, our actions, and our influence continue on. Even the physical energy we release at death is transformed - into grass, bugs, birds. Life continues, just not as “me.”

I do believe in karma. Not as divine reward and punishment, but as a natural consequence of action. When we do good, we tend to invite good. I believe all living things are interconnected, and that the suffering of one affects us all.

I also believe people can hold both Christian and Buddhist values. I know Christian Buddhists - people whose religious tradition is Christianity, but who live according to Buddhist principles. That kind of integration makes sense to me.

I wouldn’t call myself a Buddhist - not yet. But it resonates. It’s practical. It doesn’t require magical thinking or leaps of faith. It offers a gentle guide for living with awareness and compassion. And I like that.

For the first time in my life, I feel like I have a belief system that actually fits me. I’m not claiming to have all the answers - I know I’ll keep growing and evolving - but for now, this feels like peace. And even if nothing in life is permanent, that feels like enough.